I was walking with my friend Bob last week out at Red Rock National Park and had a most excellent time. Part of it was being outdoors in a different, but beautiful, part of the country. The best part, though, was the interaction, the conversation, the opportunity to be with a friend and talk about life.
We talked about a lot of things, and I remember telling him that would be my ideal job - getting paid to discuss and talk about the meaning of life. Like Socrates and Plato did, back in the day.
See? Talking with me about the meaning of life would be cool, laid back, we'd use phrases like "back in the day" and keep things hip.
What's that you say? "Back in the day" is no longer hip? The hell you say!
Well, we could discuss stuff like that, too. I'm easy. Besides, just who gets to decide what is hip, anyway?
These are things I wonder, occasionally.
But, I digress...
The point is, I dig conversation. I'm curious. I love finding out what makes people tick, and why. Sometimes these stories shock us, sometimes they sadden us, sometimes they bore us. But when we're honest, when we're vulnerable, when we're real - that's the meat of life. I believe all of us seek these connections.
Their ability to be genuine (in Vegas of all places!) is what I enjoy so much about Bob and Jen. My time with them last week was too short.
Being real is hard to do today.
First of all, everyone's so busy. Who has time to talk about the meaning of life when homework needs to be done, baths need to be run, and work is a 24 hour proposition?
Second of all, how can I find out what really moves you about a movie, a song, a painting, a project, or anything else for that matter, when you're staring into your phone every five minutes? Or, *I* pick up my phone every five minutes, right when you're getting to the good part?
How do we even know what moves us anymore if we can't sit still long enough to think about it - without distraction?
Today, there *is* no life without distraction.
Third of all, and maybe most importantly, nobody wants to be real anymore. Not really, anyway. It’s too hard. It’s too scary. It’s too painful to be real, to be vulnerable, and to have that realness dismissed.
So we connect at arm’s length. 140 characters at a time. Or on FaceBook. Or blogs or email or text or skype or IM or, sheesh, what else is there that I’m forgetting?
And these connections are often just glimpses of the best possible foot we can put forward, without showing that which moors us, as well as that which unhinges us, day in and day out.
But then again, that’s what’s so attractive about social media…because too much of what’s below the surface can be off-putting. We don’t want to be off-put. We want to be entertained, to laugh, to clown…not to be made to think too much or actually, God forbid, have to *do* something.
I think about these things as I walk my trail. I think about my daughter, who’s an only child and is growing up in this age of distraction. She's got lots of cousins, and she's got friends about the same age who live on either side of us. Her days at school are full, and when she comes home and gets homework done, her evenings are, too. More often than not, she plays outside, and I like that because I know the time is coming soon enough that she'll be just like me - in front of the computer all the time. On the phone all the time. On the iPad all the time. In front of the TV all the time. All.The.Time.
This is not an exaggeration. I wish it was.
I'm fortunate that, barring a rare late work appointment,* I get to be with her when she gets home from school. I appreciate the routine we've developed with homework and that, for now, the first thing she wants to do when we get home is for me to swing her on the rope swing that hangs from a tree in the backyard. We've had some amazing talks during those swings. But I worry. I don't think talks stick like modeling does.
I try to get her ready for the truth of life.
"I know, Mom, not everybody's gonna like me."
"I know, Mom, not everybody has two moms and some people might make fun of me for that."
"I know, Mom, not everything in life is going to be easy and I have to be like that sailor who can take the boat in the thunder storm, not just when it’s sunny. I know, Mom. I know!"**
If I've told a story (or a variation thereof) more than twice, it's always, "I know, Mom. I know!"
How can you know, child? You're seven.
All I can do is have faith she’ll figure it out, or will seek to try, every day.***
Maybe in the end the seeking is what it’s all about anyway….
The things I read today that got me thinking about all this were from @_otis_, and Sherry Turkle, and Jim Dougherty, and this Ted Talk video.
***
* Or, ahem, a trip to Vegas, hello parent-of-the-year!
** If any of this made you think of Idgie Threadgoode, we could totally be friends.
*** If any of this is making you think I’m seeking reinforcement for my parenting skills, let me assure you I’m not. I try to be a good parent, but I am far from it. See *, above.
According to Allan Chalmers,* these are the "grand essentials of happiness."
Um...dude. For real? Howsabout a little cha-ching? Money makes the world go 'round and everybody knows it.
Or...does it?
When you think about your own life and you remember a time that you recall being so happy - why were you so happy? What was going on that made you happy? What were you doing?
The dictionary defines "happy" as:
Feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. Having a sense of confidence in or satisfaction with a person, arrangement, or situation.
"Happiness" is an industry unto itself. People write books about how to achieve it. You can listen to podcasts and TED talks about it. Read blogs about it. You can study it, dissect it, miss it, wish for it, strive for it.
But what is it?
Different for each of us. A journey, not a destination. A mindset. A decision. A choice. A habit.
Or not.
But when you're happy, you know it.**
And when you're not, you know it.
I've been alive a long time (but not long enough, knock wood), and like everyone else, I've had some crazy ups and downs. Days that were a lot worse than others. And days that were so unimaginably awesome that it almost feels unfair.
I'm going to have more of both before all my days are done.
That, in and of itself - for me - makes me so inexplicably happy.
Before 2008, I chased a lot of dollars. Chasing those dollars consisted of a lot of time in offices. Wearing suits and heels, and often hose. And a lot of hairspray and makeup. Talking with people on phones, via email or other correspondence, in meetings around big and expensive conference tables with lots of windows and mahogany and marble and coffee, or in front of judges or juries. It was very (very) rare that these conversations contained much "happiness." Anger, yes. But not much happiness.
Those times were not happy, but they also weren't sad. Drudgery is, I think, a more apt way to describe it.
These days, I wear a suit and heels with a lot of hairspray and makeup maybe once or twice a month. Dude - that's happiness.
I listen to a LOT of music. Happiness.
I sit or walk in a lot of sunshine (and if the sun isn't shining, it doesn't matter - I'm outdoors). Happiness.
I see and talk to my parents, regularly. Happiness.
I push my daughter in a swing and we talk every day. Glorious happiness.
I read and write what I want to read and write, a lot. Freedom. Joy.
I've got a partner who's the best part of everything going. Everything. And, I mean - e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.
And I do all kinds of mundane, necessary things day in and day out. Pay bills, laundry, cook, clean, work, talk to clients, handle research or work issues and try to find solutions. Part of life.
Tweet
I got some great links sent to me as a result of my post on Tuesday and I thought it important to share them, in case anyone else is feeling a little out of sorts.
The first item is a NYT's opinion piece from Pico Iyer, that I received via @Laoch. It's so good, and I hope you'll read it. A taste:
We have more and more ways to communicate, as Thoreau noted, but less and less to say. Partly because we’re so busy communicating. And — as he might also have said — we’re rushing to meet so many deadlines that we hardly register that what we need most are lifelines.
Take the time to watch this one. I come back to it often....It's a wonderful reminder - of many things. I feel/learn/see something new every time I watch it.
And finally, this item that I came across via Twitter. The creator, @docmikeevans, also has an incredible YouTube page. What's so amazing about the concept described in this video is the simplicity. The fact that we, as beings, just don't do more of it really blows me away AND tells me how lazy we are (ok - I'm just talking about myself here because I know how darn lazy I am...ugh).
So, it's this last item - and all of these things, really - that I was thinking of this morning on the trail. And I decided that what I would do, as kind of a self-motivator, and as a record keeping tool, is chronicle my daily trail walk by adding to the blog (and my instagram, PokerLawyer there, too) one picture a day from the trail.
The picture will be the chronicle. Whatever does or does not come out word-wise on the blog will just be my as per usual musings. I don't plan on posting on Sunday, and I won't always be in town or able to do the trail (ha - I do actually have meetings/work and it sometimes does rain/get way too cold), but for the most part, the goal is to move and the picture is for motivational/accountability purposes.
The only part I'm not sure of is actually taking the phone on the trail because even if I'm just using it for the camera and one photo, it's still a technological tether that I'm reminded of when it's on my person. I actually left the phone at home these last three days, so...we'll see.
At any rate, that's what's been on my mind of late. I'm looking forward to some poker with my buddy @txcardslinger later this month, in Vegas, and I'm hoping I can get two cases settled before then. Wheeee! Wish me luck ;-)
Oh...almost forgot...here's the first picture:
Since I didn't have my phone with me this morning, it's a pic of my backyard, but still. I hope you enjoy it because I had to, like, lay on the ground and all that, just to take it.
I was looking at my blog yesterday. I really appreciate the comments you guys leave and the fact that you're reading here. It's definitely an outlet and I'm surprised at how much enjoyment I get out of it. Writing like this is new to me, so to those of you reading - thanks for doing so.
I was looking at the blog with some sadness because I realize I haven't posted about any poker action in a while, and that's pretty much why I started blogging in the first place. I guess it's a good thing I've got that "...and life" caveat up there.
Anyway, no real poker talk because I haven't been playing. That sucks and I miss it.
I know I'm not the only one.
Without poker, though, I have to admit that I'm certainly more engaged in my life. Last time I went on a family vacation, we went to Disney and I took my laptop. Pretty sure I played every day after coming back from the park. I missed out on time with my daughter and the rest of my family, and that's really not fair. Plus, it ultimately hurts me because I can't get that time back. While I have good memories of the trip, my family's memories are all - "yeah, you were always on your computer." I'm embarrassed by that truth. Not to mention the fact that it's not like I was racking up big scores, because I wasn't.
That's the dilemma in a lot of things in life, isn't it? To be really great at something, you have to give it everything you have. That means time, energy, focus, commitment - everything. I've said it before - it's why you see, more often than not, so many young, single guys excelling at this game.
This forced time off from poker has been eye-opening for me in a lot of different ways. I love the game and I want to win; I also want to be present for my life.
...I guess what I'm getting at is the importance of balance.
As a former BigLaw zombie, though, my deep down gut belief is that there's no such thing.
I remember in the days before my own daughter was born, watching my law partner trying to balance his litigation practice with the needs of his two kids and his wife, who's a doctor. While he often left work early to attend games or would arrive late because he was the one getting his kids off to school, he was also the one who'd send out to-do list emails at 3:00 in the morning. And this was in piddly San Antonio, Texas. I know of female partners in Houston and New York who weren't even willing to do that. Instead, they either had husbands who didn't work or full-time nannies. Essentially, outsourcing their home lives. This is not uncommon in a lot of different professions.
The elusiveness of a sane work-life balance is not a new concept. Whether you're trying to be the top rainmaker in your BigLaw job or the Main Event WSOP champ, I'm not sure "balance" is something you can truly incorporate into your life and still be those things. Maybe once you've achieved those things, yes, but not before - not really. That's my view, anyway.
I wasn't willing to live that way for a BigLaw job. But hearing the comments from my family these past few weeks about how much fun it's been having me around, I can see that I was apparently very willing to live that way for poker.
Right now, I don't have poker pulling at me as it was when I could readily fire up as many tables as I could handle online. I'm reading more, I'm cooking more, I'm writing more, I'm present more. Those are good things.
A lot of things since Black Friday have helped me see that we only get so many minutes and hours and months and years in a life. I love poker...but I also want to wring out as much as I can from each second I've got left.
I'm chagrined to say that I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be writing or feeling any of this if Black Friday hadn't occurred because I was working so hard on my game. But now, I've time to reflect on how I was living. And how I wasn't.
I don't know what the future holds for online poker, but this time has helped me see that I want things to be different when it comes back around.
Then again, maybe I've just been listening to too much Amos Lee.
The city is hot and most of the people are, too. Thought I might be able to late register for the Ladies VDE event, but for some reason, nearly every client just had to visit...today. Y u no call me yesterday, clients? One more conference call in the morning and that oughtta do it. For *that* work, anyway.
For the next 7 days, work's going to be poker, and lots of it. Hopefully with as many deep runs as I can squeeze out.
Tonight I'll shoot for a 6pm Rio DeepStack. Tomorrow is a noon VDE and Friday maybe a noon GN DS.
If you're playing, good luck! Wish me some, too!
ps - I've seen a bit about the FT mess but really just snippets. Whatever's going on, doesn't sound good...
So I've got a friend who's going through a tough time with her job right now. I probably get a call from her at least two times a week in which I listen as she rants and I try to lend support. I feel for her because she is in a bit of a crappy situation. And I also try to give advice without being too preachy or know-it-all. Lawyers are prone to that, unfortunately. Plus, she's my friend and I want her to be happy.
I left a comfortable (monetarily, at least) position in a big law firm back in 2008. Prior to making the decision, I hated my job for a long time and just stuck it out because we have a mortgage and a child and obligations and because I thought that's just what you do. But for about the last six months of that job, the partner I worked for became a mean(er) and petty(ier) a-hole and since he was the main partner I worked for, and I looked around and realized most of the other partners were, in many cases, just as self-centered, mean, and petty, I began making plans to change my situation. (Note - I also began to realize that making "partner" in such an environment was like winning a pie-eating contest where the prize for winning was, you got it, more pie.)
For me, that was the key - making a plan.
No doubt about it - it absolutely helps that I am in a two-income family and have the support of my partner to be exactly who I am (warts and all, and man there are warts) but I just want to say when I finally made up my mind to make the change, I did my homework. Maybe it helped that I had worked for nearly a decade for a big firm. Maybe it helped that I enjoy working with people and realize the importance of relationships. Maybe I am just a luckbox at life. Either way, what I tell my friend is what I truly believe: we have the power to do whatever it is we want in life if we are willing to do whatever it takes to get it.
Whatever it takes can mean a lot of things (and does to different people). In my case, it means preparing and planning. I didn't know what would happen once I opened the doors to my own solo practice, but I did know that to draw a paycheck I would need clients. No matter your business, if you have paying clients, and you take care of those clients, you have a going concern. If you have a going concern, you don't need to be afraid to leave the comfort of a paycheck and the supervision of another to "make it."
It helps if you can define what "making it" means to you. And if you plan to the best of your ability and work to the best of your ability and continue to plan and work and grow to the best of your ability, you will succeed. And you can do it (if I can, anyone can), just don't ever give up. Along the way, you may have to re-tool and that may even mean taking a job somewhere else as you do that, but if you truly have a goal and you believe in it and really want it, there are so many ways to get there. Just don't give up.
So...to anyone out there struggling in a job they hate or in a situation they're finding unbearable, hang in there. Don't give up.
What does success mean to you? There are so many good and decent definitions and the great thing about it is that it can change as we grow.
Life is short, people. Enjoy it while you got it. Every day's not going to be glorious double rainbows and unicorns, but no matter how dark the moment, the day, the month or the year(s), it doesn't define you. Unless you let it. Don't let it.
I swear some day I am going to write a depressing post with a bunch of curse words in it. Today, however, is not that day.
Wow...no poker. Guess this one's for you, Mom. xoxoxo
I've been laid up the last few days due to some dental work I had to get done. While that's never fun, it's given me the chance to do some of the things I love most:
Turning off the cell phone.
Sleeping, lounging in bed, taking naps.
Waking up in the middle of the day, still in bed, picking up the book I fell asleep to and reading a few more pages before nodding back off.
Reading and sending crazy-ass tweets.
Playing goofy games, like WWFs, where @Grange95, @PokerVixen, @PokerScar, and too many others to count, keep kicking my ass.
Shuffling and fast forwarding through my music. Somebody really needs to make something epic...and I don't think it's coming from any of these Idol contestants. Adele is awesome if you're looking for something good.
Snuggling with my baby girl. She finally lost her tooth and the tooth fairy left her a nice chunk a change. Which I promptly borrowed for Pho soup take out. Booya! Mother of the Year material, I tell ya.
I figured since today might be a day of rapture, I should get presentable. So, I rolled out of bed, showered and went to see the folks. Mom cooked a kick-ass breakfast that I basically had to gum (it was worth it) and since my deeply loved Ant Carol was also in town, we played a little MahJongg. I can't wait to go to Vegas with these two. Let's be honest - I can't wait to go to Vegas, period!
And, since baby girl had a birthday party to attend today, I got to spend some lazy hours playing a little poker, still hopped up on pain meds, and it turned out good! I played three tourneys on Bodog. One was a $2 rebuy, I was in for $8 large and came in 2nd - wheee! Crashed and burned one, and had a "lucky draw" ticket that gave me a chance to win a seat into their Sunday $100k Guaranteed. There were around 300 runners in this one and 60 got seats - lucky me, I was one of them. So, looks like I'll be playing some pokers again tomorrow.
All this typing and twittering has me tuckered out so I'm going to get back to my comfort zone - lounging in bed...reading and sending crazy tweets, hopped up on pain meds. Gotta enjoy it while I can!
