Truth Be Told

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On Facebook, what is the proper etiquette for dealing with a post from a friend when he or she says something you disagree with? Is Facebook a proper place to dialogue or is it just a waste of time?  

I have friends/family who've deleted their Facebook accounts. I have friends/family who just like and share recipes (which is cool because I have made some decent meals from same). I have family/friends who post pictures of their lives and who like and comment on same all up and down their timelines. I have friends/family who post music links (awesome). And I have friends/family who post nothing but memes and OMG HAVE YOU SEEN THIS *&;#%$ videos and links. And I have a lot of friends/family who have Facebook but who never post, never like, never link, never comment. Maybe they signed up and never returned. I just don't know.

For better or worse, I've done a little of it all.

But I can't get on FB anymore without seeing something like this:

When you see something like this pop up in your FB timeline, what do you do? Is it better to just ignore? Is it troll behavior to respond? Mature to ignore? Vanity to respond? And does anybody really care anyway?

What kind of Christian posts such a meme?

What kind of person responds?

One of my best friends from high school posted this particular meme. She reached out to me less than a month ago to reconnect after many years via Facebook. But we didn't just connect there, we exchanged numbers and actually spoke to one another, catching up for several hours over phone calls. We were open and honest, laughing over remembered troublemaking and crying over familial losses. She shared her recent faith experiences and belief in Christ and I echoed my own.

I was also upfront about my family, our daughter, myself. In other words - it was an opportunity to "come out" again.  'Opportunity' connotes something positive, fun, lucky, favorable. Sometimes coming out involves those things. Other times, it does not (watching Ellen Page's hand/arm gesture and hearing the stress in her voice during her coming out speech (in front of a hugely supportive audience, no less) may give you a sense of the emotions people can experience when they come out. And when you're not Ellen or Elton John, you usually don't get to just 'come out' one time in your life and be done with it. You get to come out many times, under many different circumstances).

I was honest with her because I didn't want her to be uncomfortable or surprised. I wanted her to be able to choose to 'unfriend' if necessary, no hard feelings.

But she didn't unfriend. And she's liked photos of my family and recipe links I've shared and crappy song links I've forced on the world via my timeline and I've done the same in return.

And so when she wrote #truthbetold and linked to the meme, it automatically posted to my timeline. Because we're friends. I read it and thought on it and before I knew it, my fingers were flying:

Is there a Christian meme #truthbetold repository that I can go to, to get one of these for my page? I want to replace "homosexuality" with any one of the 10 Commandments (actually, no, let's just make 10 new memes, one for each Commandment!) 

That way I can post one that says:

"I am a Christian. I believe the Bible. I do not support lying or "bearing false witness against your neighbor" (by way of example, only...though we know the meme will get more traction if it's weighted to the "sin du jour").

Yes, we are still friends. No, I am not judging you. No, I am not condemning you to hell. No, I will not let anyone bully you (even though that's kind of what I'm doing by posting this meme).

But realize that name-calling and stereotyping those of us who stand for what we believe is exactly what you don't want done to you. [and that kind of gives me pause. Because...well, by making a meme about a sin, regardless of what sin we're 'meme-ing', are we really 'standing up for what we believe in'? If so, how are we really doing that? When did pointing out what we perceive to be the sin of our brother or sister become an opportunity to finger point, and cherry pick (let's be honest), the sin of our neighbor? I mean, isn't the meme really just an opportunity to ask, "hey can I remove that splinter from your eye?"]
We have the right to speak what we believe, same as you have a right to speak what you believe."

Being Christian is to be name-called. Persecuted. Apart. In this world but not of it. Above it. Better than it. Because the One who is in you is greater than...any damn #truthbetoldmeme.

I was angry. My hands were shaking. I hesitated. Re-read what I wrote. Said to myself, don't send this...nobody cares...responding is so lame...it doesn't help anything...you sound like such a gay idiot...no, you sound like a real asshole...also why and how do you think you can talk about faith, God, Christianity? Selected all the text. Hovered over the delete button. And, instead, pressed send.

And she liked that, too.

I don't think I understand Facebook anymore, you guys.

I don't know if I understand Christianity anymore, either.

***

A Matter of Faith

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What is it about gay people homosexuals (because that seems to be the word of choice when we’re referenced by Christians and I think it’s because there is a desire to focus on the ‘sexual’ part of the word – and I don’t mean that snarkily) that causes Christians to spend so much of their time worrying about us? I ask this with great sincerity because I don’t understand the interest and I can’t help but see it every time I open any of my social media apps (mainly Facebook. Twitter has more of us heathens).

I mean, what is it, really, that causes entire organizations (I’m looking at you Catholic Church and Focus on the Family and politicos like the Liz Cheney Campaign) and even entire countries (Uganda) to spend so much energy and time and money on us? Why, out of all the issues in the world to be concerned about, is the focus so strongly on the issue of – duhn duhn duuuuuuuhn - the homosexual?*

When did it happen that we are the reason for everything bad in the world? To go by my Facebook timeline: We are why people don’t have free speech rights. We are completely ruining the entire institution of marriage (but not me because I live in Texas). We are rubbing people’s faces in our homosexuality ALL THE TIME because we dare to respond when people compare us to pedophiles and terrorists and zoophiles. We (not alcohol, not drugs, not your basic selfishness and greed) are more destructive than a nuclear bomb to the welfare of the family. And, maybe most despicably, we are responsible for the downfall of the entire beef industry because we cause people everywhere to EAT-MOR-CHIKIN.

I’m writing this because I saw some things on my timeline today that made me hang my head and weep. Literally.

The first was this: How I Wish the Homosexuality Debate Would Go.

And then there was this: To My Friends Who Identify Themselves as Homosexuals.

I grew up in a small town in West Texas and am Facebook friends (and family) with many people who are proud fans of Rush Limbaugh, so I am generally unfazed by the occasional such post. But this week it’s been out of control and it’s all because of this guy:

Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson

…who has some very strong opinions about the homosexuals and the people of color.** 

I’ve read he’s also a preacher (I don’t watch the show so I really don’t know), but there is video of him in which he is speaking to an audience, holding a Bible (and a horse bridle?), and saying more remarkable things. Interesting tidbit, he went to school with one of my uncles, who’s a fan, as are many of my friends and other family members, at least according to my Facebook timeline.

As a homosexual, the linked items above were difficult for me to read and watch. And it was annoying to continue seeing Phil Robertson’s face and the “I SUPPORT HIM” posts in my timeline. But what made me emotional, what made me actually hang my head and weep were two other items.

This: Dear Christians Defending Phil Robertson.

And, this one in particular: Why I Can’t Say Love the Sinner/Hate the Sin Anymore. As I was reading it to Melissa I unexpectedly choked up and couldn’t continue. And then she started crying, too.

I’ve written before that I am a person of faith and about my lifelong struggle with same. Raised Catholic, I stopped going to Mass for years. Experiences in my life lead me back, however. And while I continually struggle and rage and laugh and cry and argue and question, I seek and pray and, ultimately, I believe and it just is a part of who I am.

In some ways, I feel as though I can relate to what I think many Christians seem to be feeling of late because I am gay. Based on my social media timelines, Christians feel they are being persecuted for being “followers of Christ” and for being vocal about that belief. Maybe we can all relate to their apparent fear/anger because don’t we all (I mean, for the most part… we don’t all have Donald Trump’s ego) worry what others think of us at some point in our lives? It’s embarrassing to be laughed at, to be thought of as illogical, crazy, stupid, or sick.

Maybe there are similarities between the coming out experience and a person's profession of faith. Having 'come out', I know what it feels like to be fearful of being shunned and persecuted for conveying something about myself. And, I did experience some aspect of those things. I wasn’t lynched or martyred or marked with a scarlet letter, but I was compared to some pretty vile things, told I was crazy, made to feel as though I was not a good person, and otherwise estranged for a time from people I love and care for. (And every time someone speaks about gays as Robertson did in his GQ interview I am made to feel many of those things again).

I think Christians are starting to feel these things that, traditionally, they have imposed on others without a lot of thought. Understandably, they don’t like it. And they are speaking up about it. Hopefully we can have some patience with them. It’s like when I came out to my parents. Given time, their hearts and minds were changed.

I think that will happen here. I think it must be very hard for a group that’s been the majority for so long to experience what so many minorities live with every day. That doesn’t mean we excuse it; but, maybe we can use our own experiences to be patient and recognize that with time, most people do come around.

But it’s not going to happen without some personal struggle. And, sadly, we’re probably going to see a lot more Phil Robertson and Sarah Palin in camo and Governor Perry in Carhartt type moments before it’s all said and done. The first two links above are indicative of that.

And, for many Christians, it’s the questions and statements raised in those first two links that are going to dictate just how this whole ‘homosexual debate’ is going to play out in history books.

But I can’t help but wonder…is ‘the homosexual debate’ and how we line up on either side really going to be the defining factor of what it means to be a Christian in 2014 (and beyond)? Really?

To me, Ruthie Dean’s post is very much like the argument I have with my parents and with myself on a pretty regular basis…if Christians are the light of the world, why are things so dark? If people are "supposed to want what we have because of our love" and Christians believe “people outside the church will know Jesus because of our love for one another,” then where is this love and why - especially in the face of so-called preachers like Robertson - is anyone surprised that more people are not clamoring to "want what we have" or to know this Jesus?

These are the things I think of as a person trying to make it in this world. A person who happens to be gay, but who is also many other things, including: a mother, a daughter, a partner, and a person of faith. And it's why, in moments of reflection (yes, usually after I've unloaded on social media or an argument with Melissa or an unsuccessful teachable moment with my daughter), I have to ask myself - what does my life say about who I am and what I believe? And does it really match up with what I’m saying? And if it doesn’t, why doesn't it?

And maybe that's it...instead of such an exaggerated concern about the supposed sin of my neighbor, I'm better served - as are those immediately around me - focusing on the very real problems I bring to the table and what I can do about them.*** 

If nothing else, it's a good place to start. Maybe it's the only place to start.

***

* Um. Where are all the gym teaching lesbians? 

** Can anybody tell me why we aren’t more up in arms over this guy’s comments about "the blacks" in Pre-Civil-Rights-Era Louisiana? Are you kidding me? COME ON!!! I. Can’t. Even.

*** I think there's even a verse about that somewhere...

Freedoms

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Norman Rockwell's Freedom of Speech

Norman Rockwell's Freedom of Religion

I went to see Oprah’s new movie The Butler this weekend. I liked it fine, though I wasn’t blown away or haunted in the way that I got after seeing something like Schindler’s List, 12 Angry Men, or To Kill a Mockingbird.

What I did get, though, was a reminder and a greater appreciation for what happened during a particular time in our nation’s history and some understanding into how that history shapes, for better or worse, our country, our people, our relationships today.

I’m gay, and I have to admit that at one point during the movie, I leaned over to my partner and said, “watching this, there’s really no way to compare what Blacks went through during the civil rights movement to what we are going through today.”

But I wonder…how much of my relatively peaceful existence today is a consequence of the ground work laid by people like Martin Luther King, Jr., the Freedom Riders, and all those who marched from Selma to Montgomery?

I say every last bit of it.

To my knowledge, I’ve never been overtly discriminated against. Never lost a job because I’m gay*, never been beat up for being queer, never been kicked out of my home by an unwelcoming family (not talking for about six months is not the same), never had to sit at the back of the bus, never had to drink from a separate fountain, never had to attend a different school, never been denied entry at a table, dining or otherwise.

But, you know, I’m not a gay historian and I wasn’t at the 1969 Stonewall riots in New York City, and I’m obviously not Harvey Milk or Matthew Shepard, or Chelsea Manning, or a man (or woman or child) who suffered from AIDS and lived through that crisis in the 80s. I’m just me, trying to make my way through life with my partner and our daughter. And in my mind, the reason I haven’t experienced overt discrimination for being gay is because of all the groundwork that was laid during the civil rights movement.

We have – I have – been educated a lifetime now about discrimination and equality. We know – I know – that it’s wrong to treat someone differently on the basis of their skin color or gender. We know – I know – that it’s wrong to treat someone differently on the basis of how they choose to worship. These things are protected by laws.

Are these “special” rights? Meaning, if we all now know after a lifetime of learning that discrimination is wrong and we shouldn’t do it, do we really even need such laws on the books anymore? By incorporating them into law, haven’t we made them “special” and aren’t we therefore discriminating against those who aren’t in the protected classes? And what about new rights and new protected classes? Do we really have to add more? I mean, can’t we now after long last all trust each other to do the right thing by each other?

I practice labor and employment law. Mainly advice and counsel to companies dealing with employment issues. This means I get calls and deal with issues related to discrimination. I’d say the majority of the issues I deal with involve racial discrimination and retaliation, but sexual harassment, age, and disability discrimination are also right up there.

Along with so many other things, what this tells me is that despite Title VII and all the laws already on the books, discrimination (which Google defines as ‘the unjust or prejudicial treatment of different categories of people or things, especially on the grounds of race, age, or sex) is not going anywhere. Idiots are gonna idiot.

For the most part, thanks to the great civility of most people around me, I never really have to question these things on a personal level. I don’t know why I’m gay. I mean, if you’re straight, ask yourself why you’re straight. Is there really an answer? You just are. So, for me, being gay is more akin to a race issue (something innate) than a religion issue (a personal choice not discernible unless disclosed).

I ponder all this lately because I just saw The Butler and because San Antonio – my city of more than 1.36 million people, the second largest city in Texas, the seventh largest city in America, the city designated by the Advocate as having the “highest percentage of gay and lesbian parents in the U.S.,” – is currently up in arms over whether or not to include sexual orientation into its current Non-Discrimination Ordinance.

Currently, 21 states and 180 other cities, including Houston, Austin, Dallas, El Paso, Fort Worth, Waco (I KNOW! I was shocked, too!), and Brownsville, have enacted protections for gay residents in city code and state laws.

Essentially, this ordinance will expand the City’s current non-discrimination policy (which prohibits discrimination on the basis of race, color, religion, national origin, sex, age or disability) to prohibit discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, gender identity and veteran status and it will apply to city employment, city contracts and subcontracts.

It does NOT require the city to start marrying gay people, or any private business to provide domestic partner benefits to their employees, or any private business to produce or promote messages it does not agree with on religious grounds.

Part of the uproar stems from the fact that the city’s District 9 Councilwoman was secretly recorded expressing her not-so-empathetic personal views about homosexuality.

And then the media got involved to stir the pot and weigh debate about whether this ordinance would act as a “Thought Police” measure and criminalize the personal beliefs that individuals hold.

And then preachers (yes, even one who was arrested for dragging a teenage girl behind a van after she failed to keep up during a running exercise!) and archbishops got involved to argue that implementation of protections for LGBT people by the city would require people to have to choose between obeying the teachings of their faith and the law.

And that made me question what he means by that statement. Specifically, Archbishop Gustavo says: 

Beyond institutional challenges to the Church, we are concerned by intrusions on the right of conscience for individuals, especially in the area of public accommodation. It is not the province of civil government to interfere with the rights of conscience in the exercise of a person’s faith. It appears that this policy could force individuals who supply goods and services to the general public to provide them to individuals or organizations involved in activities that are in conflict with the providers’ moral values and right of conscience. People should not have to choose between obeying the teachings of their faith and the law.

What I think he’s getting at is this – what if the owner of a florist is patronized by me and my partner wanting to purchase floral arrangements for our wedding. As a Catholic, the owner believes it is against Church teaching for two people of the same sex to marry. Should the owner, as an exercise of her faith, be able to refuse to serve me and my partner? And if so, will the city’s new ordinance criminalize that exercise of faith?

Now, before I give my opinion, I can’t help thinking about the book of Matthew, particularly chapter 5. Most particularly verses 40-42.

How would providing service to me and my partner interfere with the shop owner’s exercise of faith? He or she might not agree with my right to get married (civil marriage, mind you. No one’s asking the Church to marry anyone), but as a Christian, isn’t she called to do it if I ask?

I realize my questions are simple, maybe even stupid; but, I can’t help myself from thinking that it’s this kind of teaching, this kind of institutional guidance that turns people away from organized religion, the Catholic church in particular.

I mean…I can’t be the only one to see the incongruity in organized religion’s lament over “gay rights” when compared to the actions of the preacher who helped lead the civil rights movement of yesterday (a preacher informed by a gay man, no less), right?

Now…do I think the florist should serve me? Yes.

Do I think the government should mandate that she serve me? No. Just like I don’t think the government should step in and make you like me (or me like you, for that matter).

That said, if the florist has a big contract with the City to provide arrangements at all City functions or her business gets anything funded by tax dollars, then no, she can’t refuse to serve me.

Can there really be any objection to that? I mean, does the Church teach (and do Christians actually believe) that love is self-donation, the generous pouring out of ourselves in order to achieve the greatest good for someone else, or does it not? 

So much to consider. So much I didn't cover, or covered poorly. At any rate...do you guys wish I'd just stick to poker? =)

---

*Full disclosure, I spent most of my career in the closet and it wasn’t until my partner and I were going to have our daughter that I came out to my co-workers at the last firm at which I worked. Thinking back, I was in my mid-30s and had already been in the working world for nearly 15 years. Dang. That’s a long time to be in the closet. To be honest, I was very scared to disclose that information because even though it’s a global firm, our office was just one of the small satellite offices in Texas. While we didn’t have a domestic partner benefits plan, we did have an inclusive non-discrimination policy. I had five years with them by that time and figured if this was what got me kicked out, then so be it. That didn’t happen. That’s not to say everyone was all-welcoming. My relationships with some Partners did change, but no one (other than my supervising Partner, a self-proclaimed evangelical Christian) overtly said or did anything to impede my job or working environment. The only conversations I ever really had about being gay were with that supervising Partner. As a Christian, he had a hard time with it and we would talk about it. I remember him telling me one day, “you know deep down what you are doing is wrong.” Knowing he felt that way changed things for me and I eventually moved on, but while there he never impeded my job, treated me with hostility (other than the general law firm Partner bullshit), or impacted my work environment because I’m gay. I was pleasantly surprised when he called me this year asking me to join him at his new firm (I said no). And, when news of the Windsor case came down, he texted me to say congratulations. Weird how things work out.