Sunday, July 31, 2011

Things (I hope you never have) to do on a Sunday

  1. Walk room to room with pinched "wtf is that smell" grimace, as you seek out source of rotgut odor worse than anything used for bait while fishing last week.
  2. Determine that your mind is playing tricks on you and take a nap.
  3. Wake up to fly continuously buzzing around your head. Joined intermittently by two large friends.
  4. Take out trash and disinfect receptacle.
  5. Wash face and brush teeth. Again. Consider taking a shower but resist urge.
  6. Finish unloading suitcases and return them to their usual resting place, the garage.
  7. Fall to knees upon opening garage door for first time since returning from holiday.
  8. Peer at freezer and verify that, yes, it is plugged in.
  9. Identify that, indeed, odor is stronger the closer you get to freezer.
  10. Touch freezer and ascertain no noticeable hum of activity. From either electric current or imagined hordes of black flies nesting inside.
  11. Stand up straight and at arm's length from freezer. Arch back and neck as far from freezer door as you can. Use one fingertip and open freezer door.
  12. Let out noise you've never heard yourself utter as you buckle/trip/run back to opened garage door.
  13. Take deep breath only to realize you can still smell the freezer.
  14. Run to front yard and grimace at the sky, as you take in and savor deep gulps of fresh air.
  15. Recognize you can't leave this for another minute. And cry a little.
  16. Get tools (see below).
  17. Open other garage door and garage window.
  18. Yell at daughter to close door to kitchen and to STAY INSIDE. See from her face she thinks a serial killer is in garage.
  19. Pray to GOD there is nothing alive in freezer.
  20. Get to work. And cry a little.
  21. Regret not cooking out before leaving on holiday and wonder if you'll ever be hungry again.
  22. Run/walk from freezer to fence after every successful exchange from freezer to trashcan, exhaling as you go. Curse self for lack of breath control.
  23. Clorox entire garage floor and hope your nose hairs grow back.
  24. Shower.
  25. Sweep kitchen floor and double check kitchen fridge.
  26. Shower again. This time as Karen Silkwood.
  27. Light shitload of candles.
  28. Google Vegan Starter Kit. 
  29. See edamame.
  30. Think sushi.
  31. Order take-out. 
So much for never being hungry again...Mondays are the best days to start diets anyway, right?

Oh well...I was only able to get 7 pics. And I had to disinfect my phone:

The offending target

Even Rocco would not enter garage

Dude. That stuff is floating. In its own melted week-old marinade.

My tools:

Finally got that sucker unloaded and away from the house. Am finally breathing a little easier. It helped that I stuck a lit match in each nostril.

And there it shall sit, in the saddest of white trash tradition, until I can get a little help hauling it off. 


  1. So sorry that happened. You needed "GoToGals!" for that job. Well I guess you actually had one of them. Love you, Pops. ps I'll help you load up the freezer when I get back if it's not too overgrown with kudzu.

  2. your dad is the bomb!! those tools were funny as hell! didn't look like you had a whole cow in there or worse!

  3. That wouldn't have bothered me a bit. I was going to come help but I went shopping instead. Too bad you couldn't wait for me. Maybe next time. Love, Mom xoxo

  4. I was gonna come help, but then I heard you weren't going to pay us. So I went and saw a movie instead. Love, your neices

  5. I was going to come and help, but didn't think you'd want to be cleaning up my vomit too. Are those tampons in your nose?

  6. Look at all these anonymous "I was gonna come help..." Shopping? A movie? Really? Oh, okaaay. I see how it is.

    And Terry, yes - Thank you for not making me also have to clean up vomit. (yes, those are tampons. Super size. I have *huge* nostrils.)

  7. I just read this to my entire family. You were the source of our entertainment this evening...


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