I figured I'd blog some of what's passing for commentary in my household as this shindig goes down, since I don't know how to just sit and watch TV anymore.
In the audience, our (un)professional commentators (who have no clue I'm blogging their commentary): my girl, my mother-in-law (MIL), two pups, and a wild child on skates whizzing by every now and then.
29:17 - MIL: Oooo, look at Robin Robertson. That dress is pretty. Marianna, you know what she is right?
You mean, Robin Roberts? The reporter?
No, you know.
Oh. You mean you think she's gay?
Si, pero she never talks about a boy, you know.
27:ish - Me: Yes, please. More Charlize Theron and Dior. All Charlize, all the time. Love.
13:58 - Commercial...I fear this could be boring. I miss Twitter.
Girl tells MIL about the Ryan/Borat ashes incident. MIL: who's Ryan? Also, did Leonardo come out yet? He always looks ooooooo!
9:10 - Natalie Portman. Pretty! MIL - hmmm, she coulda whitened those teeth a little more. Pobrecita.
6:43 - MIL: aye! His hair is all sticking up! Why didn't he brush it! (re: Brian Grazer)
Robin says goodbye - Me: did y'all know that guy Tim Gunn hasn't had sex in like 10 years? MIL - well, I haven't either! It's ok, you know.
Ok, maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
Live from Hollywood! Here we go.
Girl: Oh look! There's Angelina!
Hmm. I'm pretty sure Morgan Freeman doesn't age. Also - badass.
Wow. Billy Crystal *has* aged.
MIL at Justin Bieber: aaaye! Sammy Davis looks good. (omg)
Me: why is Tom Cruise wearing a wig?
Girl - um...what is this movie supposed to be?
MIL: I think he (Bill Crystal) put some hair up there. And some color. The plumped it up so it wouldn't look thin.
Me: well, he is pretty funny. Oh...aaaaand, he's gonna sing. MIL, did you see Tree of Life? MIL: I don't remember. Did it have a black girl who didn't want to be black? Do you mean Imitation of Life?
Me: you mean that movie that came out in the1950s???
Song and dance over...
Girl: what'd you give it?
MIL: it was good!
Girl: meh, it was just the same as he always does. So-so. Not a thumbs up or down. It wasn't that great.Not his best.
Girl: go Italia!
MIL: that dress! (Meryl Streep) Someone needs to teach her how to dress. It's too much all around!
Me: it's Meryl Streep! She could wear a sack and look pretty!
MIL: well, it looks like a sack.
Me: I wish I could look as good. Y'all are mean.
Girl: ok, Ellen is awesome, but a dress? Come on.
MIL: that GCB Dallas show looks so trashy.
Me: I know! I can't wait to watch it.
Back to the show...
MIL in the kitchen: what's with all these candies and cakes? I can't handle this! Marianna, will you make some popcorn?
MIL: Ghost! Ditto. Jaws! The Godfather! May the Force be with you! ET! Do you know that's his mother?
Me: Billy Crystal's?
Billy Crystal then says she was Reiner's mother...MIL: Ooooooh!
MIL: Cameron Diaz is TALL! She's taller than whatshername! But she's got a figure alright. She's got that butt!
Girl: It's insured, you know.
Me: have you seen any of these movies??
MIL: I want to see Iron Lady.
Diaz and JLo booty shots - yes, take a chance!
MIL - oh, Antonio! Is that his wife? Wow - she looks good. I wish he would take those things off his face (Morgan Freeman).
Me: but then he wouldn't be Morgan Freeman!
Commercials...aaaand back to the Show...
MIL: Sandra Bullock!
Girl: breaks out in applause at the German speaking. Wow!
Foreign Language Films
The Separation - looks good. Let's go see it. But where?? Also, nice reading of speech.
Christian Bale - MIL: oooo, cute.
Best Supporting Actress
MIL: oh, I liked her (Jessica Chastain) Girl: I loved her in that movie!!
Melissa McCarthy - Girl: Oh, I loved her!! Oh she's gonna win. She has to!
McTeer - silence.
Octavia Spencer - MIL: she's gonna win. Girl: she's gonna win. She *has* to win! She did so good in that movie!
And Octavia Spencer takes it. MIL: oh that dress is prolly heavy. Girl: Oooo, Angelina! She looks good. (again)
Sheila E rocking the drums. Go girl.
I'm glad Spencer won, but I was kind of rooting for Melissa McCarthy.
Christopher Guest!!! The best! Love.
Girl: What was that for?
Me: Awesome segment.
Tina Fey rocks anything and everything.
Film Editing - Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
MIL: I think that's the only thing they were nominated for...
Sound Editing - Hugo.
Who was Thelma?
Weird thank you speech, thanking everyone there, not there, born, not born, reborn, etcetera...
Sound Mixing - Hugo
MIL: he's a big guy!
Who was dude in the turban when they panned the audience????
Ellen is really pretty in black and white.
MIL: Aye! Miss Piggy!
Cirque d'Soleil or however you spell it...
Did Meryl Streep just give that guy side eyes??
MIL: is that Billy Crystal in the air?!
I like to stand on people's heads at the movies, too. Awesome.
MIL: What if someone falls??
Ok, Cirque DU Soleil. Cool.
MIL: they're fantastic. I've seen them in Vegas and here.
Girl totally photo bombing Plummer. Heeeeey.
Gwyneth & Downey
Best Documentary - Undefeated. PDiddy's exec produced.
Oooo, I've got some good ones to watch.
Dude got bleeped. What'd he say? Music playing over them...Hmmmm.
Chris Rock...was he happy or mad?
Best Animated Feature Film - Rango. Might've needed to be loaded to really enjoy it, but I dug it.
Girl: Rango??? Uh uh. It beat out Puss n' Boots? No way...
Commercials...can't wait to see Brave.
Aaaaand back to the Show...
Melissa McCarthy is hilarious.
Emma Stone rocks.
This is the best part of the night. She is AWESOME!
Girls rock. Period.
Girl: I think that was funny. She's great.
More girls, please. Or maybe just more Emma Stone, Melissa McCarthy, throw in some Tina Fey. Yes, please.
MIL: she's tall. (Emma Stone)
Visual Effects - Hugo.
MIL: Is that a kids movie?
Girl: We took (daughter), but no, not really.
Hmmm...starting to think Hugo's gonna take Best Picture. Or...maybe they're giving them all these awards so they won't be sad if they lose. I liked the movie, but...not for best picture.
Did that dude come to the show in his pajamas??
Melissa Leo is awesome. She looks great.
Kenneth Branagh is great, but I can't get over that he left Emma Thompson.
Best Supporting Actor - Christopher Plummer.
Very nice speech. And wow, his wife is beautiful. I look forward to watching this movie.
Commercials...pretty sure I'd watch Titanic in 1D.
This is really pretty boring without Twitter...but now that I think about it, maybe the Oscars are not conducive to live tweeting. Or live blogging. Ha!
Aaaand back...That's what everybody's thinking. Played well here. We're easy.
There's a lot of weird feedback from these Oscar mics. Anyone else noticing that?
I can't tell if the audience really thinks Crystal is that funny OR they're just happy Gervais is not hosting.
Crystal is good.
Penelope Cruise - yay!
MIL: she looks like Sofia Loren, when she was young.
Best Original Score - Ludavic Bource
No formal training! Awesome. Beautiful accent. J'taime mon cherie. Aw...me, too!
Kinda like to see a muppet win.
Best Original Song - Bret McKenzie, Man or a Muppet.
Wow, way to keep the camera on Jason Segal while the guy fails to mention him.
Commercials...this Hulu commercial is reminding me that I'm doing right now everything I'm not supposed to be doing based on what I'm reading in Lisa Bloom's "Think". I'm a total loser. Total.
Girl: If she (Jolie) had played that role (Girl in the Dragon Tattoo), it would've been awesome!!
I like to stand that way (leg severely cocked out dress slit) ALL THE TIME!
And again with the severe leg cock. Go girl.
Adapted Screenplay - The Descendants. With some awesome severe leg cockage. Go girls.
If you haven't seen Margin Call, go see it. It's good.
Original Screenplay - Whatever...Kristin Wiig and her cohort got robbed. (Woody Allen)
Girl: That movie was not good. So wrong...
Don't leave baby photos ON THE PHONE DUDE! Oh wait...the cloud. Magic.
The Bridesmaids' Girls. Wow dick jokes. Ok. Still, girls rock.
Live Action Short Film - The Shore.
How sweet. Father/Daughter.
Rose Byrne is GORGEOUS. Gorgeous. Gorgeous.
Scorsese! Drink! We need to start doing that.
All of these films looked good.
Documentary Feature - Saving Face.
Applause here in our house. But not from Morgan Freeman.
Best Animated Short Film - Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore. Nice hat Elvis Costello. They are down there in New Orleans, y'all.
Coming down to the wire...
I wonder what's going on over on Twitter. =(
Awwwww, sweet baby.
Y'all that GCB show is pretty much Texas. All true.
Director - Michele Hazanavicius.
Meryl!!!!! She is sixty three years old you guys!
Sharon Stone crying about Oprah. Hot.
Dude with the turban again!!
Remembrance coming up. MIL is asleep.Girl: Mother, you missed Oprah!! MIL: when does this thing end?? Bring me a blanket.
I need to pee.
And apparently Oprah's gonna be on Jimmy Kimmel. I'll be asleep.
Remembrance. MIL is already crying.
Lord...beauties. Jane Russell.Elizabeth Taylor. Wow.
WHY, WHITNEY! WHY!! =(
Sheeesh, more Commercials...
I'm totally going to start drinking Diet Coke and make some movies. You heard it here first.
Oh, heck yes. I skim the mac and cheese all the time.
Apparently that new Ashley Judd series is one big "Your mother" storyline.
I dig the way they're describing movie making. Soooo drama.
MIL: EeeeHo, George Clooney and his buddy. Who's gonna win?
There are others up!
Whoa. *cute* Frenchman.
Brad Pitt is gorgeous.
Best Actor - Jean Dujardin.
Dude rocked that speech. Mas french por favor.
Waaaay tooooo maaaany commercials...
Why. Am. I. Doing. This. My live blogging really sucks.
All these ladies are so awesome. Pretty sure Viola's gonna win.Would be nice.Think this was a very tough category.
I kinda want Colin to just say Lisbeth Salandar over and over.
Meryl. Unreasonably good. She is.
Gosh...they're all awesome.
Best Actress - Meryl Streep.
Wow. Viola didn't win. Tough category.
Really beautiful speech. Who doesn't love her? Still, I hope Viola Davis is not too disappointed. All these actors were great.
Tom Cruise? Really?
Girl: He is totally the sharpest dressed man of the night.
He also doesn't age. Scientology ftw.
I think The Artist wins...
Boom. I win.
Best Motion Picture - The Artist.
Nice shout out to Billy Wilder.
Aaaaaand - good night. ;-)