The Leak

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You know what’s funny about my last rant? I wrote it in a fury, as though I’m some kind of online poker pro who’s been stripped of the ability to make a living and now my family and I are starving. I'm so far from being a pro, it’s laughable.

I say that because if you look at my poker stats, I’m not a winning player.  In fact, before 2010, my typical online pokering consisted of me regularly depositing a recreational amount I could afford to lose and either re-depositing once I went broke or hitting a small score and playing off that until I went broke again. 

It's only been in the past year and a half that I was able to withdraw from an online site. The amount was never a lot, but I did it because that’s what I was learning to do from my study on bankroll management. Before learning about BR management, I’d go crazy replenishing the account. So while my game has improved, the truth is, I’ve spent more money on this game than I’ve earned.

I started playing online poker in 2004, and I played off and on through 2007. In 2009, I started playing a lot. Like, every night to the wee hours of the morning a lot. In 2010, I finally started seeing a profit. We’re talking a 6% profit at the micro level. That’s five years of being a losing recreational player.

That’s hard for me to admit. Because – five years. That’s a long time. In four years, people finish college. In three years, I completed law school. F-i-v-e l-o-n-g y-e-a-r-s.  

Dwelling on that realization is uncomfortable because it causes me to face a fear I struggle with a lot - the fear that I'm not a good player.

When people find out I like to play poker, they often ask about the game. I generally respond with, “it’s an easy game to play but a hard game to master and I love it.” When I think about it, the adage tells them nothing about the game unless they play and experience the truth of it for themselves. My 5 years of playing without profit is evidence of that.

During those years, I didn’t watch videos. I didn’t read books. I didn’t scour poker forums. I didn’t follow pros on Twitter. Instead, I played when I felt like it. Often while watching TV. It was fun - a way to pass some down time in the evening and compete.

In late 2009, that changed. I suppose there are plenty who might read this and think, “wth? What took you so long?!” I agree, but for better or worse, it’s my history with this game and I can’t change it. 

Once I realized there were tools and I started using them, I started seeing improvement. And that changed everything.

After Saturday night, though, I realize I’ve just not come as far as I thought.

If I could define the leak in my game in one word, it would have to be: discipline (or lack thereof). I wanted to write something funny, catchy, but the truth is that my lack of discipline is pitiful. If I can’t tame myself, I really need to just admit I'm a recreational player and either stop playing altogether or accept my faults and play the game armed with that self-knowledge.

Here’s how Saturday night went down:

I hadn’t played with my boys in three months. I hadn’t played poker in nearly two months (save one $35 freeze out tourney with the girls at @txcardslingers place). I showed up, got and gave my hellos and welcome hugs, and sat down to play with my $200 buy-in. And for two hours, I folded every hand but two. At the end of two hours, I had a ~$45 profit.

Then, I went on a bit of a run. With 5s and position, I got Qs to fold a large pot. After another hour or two, I was sitting in front of a $575 stack and it was about that time that two of my favorites, having a poor night, got up to leave. Instead of leaving, I started playing around on Twitter and had a shot with a new face at the table, in honor of the birthday boy on my left.

I was laughing and talking more, and began calling behind in family pots where before I'd fold. Gradually, my stack was shrinking.

By 3:00 a.m., we're down to two tables and one of the guys from the other room, whom I just don't like, sat immediately to my right. He played a few hands and then moved three seats to my left. The birthday boy and shooter were on their fifth shot and I was laughing with them. I wasn't drinking, but I was still calling behind and playing hands I knew I shouldn’t play.

After a few more orbits, I found myself sitting in front of a $375 stack and I was fuming. It wasn't the money...it was the self-loathing rising up, I’d stayed too long and I knew it.

I look around and we're 7-handed. There were no more familiar faces, save the prick three seats to my left. I don't tangle with him in pots, but I wrestle with him internally because his very being…well, it gets under my skin. The hands he plays and wins with, the comments he makes after taking down a pot, the way he talks when he’s NOT in a hand: calling for a K when two other players are heads up (KJo v JJs) and saying, “this is the winning hand!” before the cards are dealt and, sure enough, the K flops. He tilts me (more specifically, I tilt myself thinking on it because he’s just being himself and playing his game).

Before you know it, I'm chasing a flush draw on the flop and losing it all to Ks. And I'm going home at 5 o’clock in the morning, empty handed, four hours after the time I should’ve stood up and gone home, with a profit.

Gross.

I was so mad at myself I could hardly speak. I was so mad at myself I was shaking. I was so mad myself I nearly threw my phone through the back windshield of my car walking up to it. I was so mad at myself I probably damaged my transmission when I started the car, put my foot on the brake, and pulled the lever back and forth and back and forth and back and forth from park to drive three times as hard as I could. I was so mad at myself.

I know better. But if I can’t take knowledge and translate it into disciplined action, I will never be a winning player.

That’s the sad truth about the state of my game and my ability. And that’s why my rant from this weekend is funny…in the bitter, “ha, ha, oh I get it! The joke’s on me!” kind of way.

So funny, I can’t stop laughing…because if I do, I’ll cry.

EDIT 9/6 - Might find some things in this post to help with discipline/leakage: DISCIPLINE IS HARD….

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Vegas - where days run together like tears streaming down your face

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Coming into the home stretch for this trip and it's been a tough one.

Vegas is a sexy, sultry Jezebel, enticing you with Angelina looks as you make the flyover to land. After three days with her, though, you wake up one morning to find you've sold your soul to the female version of Asmodeus.

I had nightmares last night and didn't sleep well. And then I reviewed my Twitter feed and got really embarrassed. This was supposed to be a business trip and I think I've come across as a goofball at the candy store who stuffed all the penny candy in her mouth, while still in the store, and now can't fit through the exit to find her way home.

Reno was a hole in the wall. I never look twice at table games, slots, shows and it was easy to shun those at the Grand Sierra. I've had no trouble doing the same here in Vegas, but I haven't had the single minded focus I carried during those October days of Reno's Pot o' Gold series. The WSOP is a player's mecca and so I don't really fault myself for the giddy butterflies the festivities at the Rio have brought me. I do fault myself, though, for being such a clown. It may be entertaining, for people who don't really know me, and certainly can't truly care about me, to watch...but, it's absolutely not a profitable mindset. And I've only got three days to turn it around.

I'm playing well, but my edge in this game is so small that any distraction and any undisciplined action and any mistake, no matter how slight, can derail hours and hours of nose to the grindstone work. This may sound stupid, but I'm reminded of Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption: "Get busy living, or get busy dying."

I'm missing home. I'm missing my loves. And I'm missing several deep runs. I've got them in me. It's time to find them.

Radio silence.

I've Got a Serious Problem with Cash...

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...cash games, that is.

I've written before about how I began my online cash career in a horrible way: I took 3d in a pretty big $11 MTT, thought that meant I knew how to play poker, sat down at a $1/2 6-handed cash game and proceeded to give away a big chunk of that score.

Since then (late 2009), I've had a real mental issue with playing any cash ring games.

Last year, after not even looking at the cash tables, I took another shot, but played down at the safer $.02/.05 level. Got comfortable there and moved up to the $.10/.25 stake. I feel like I can beat this level. But.

But. Until recently, even though I'm following BR mgmt, I was not following any kind of stop loss planning. Also, when I lose a buyin, I chase that loss to try to at least get back to even. And, I'm also apparently delusional because it's like I have some weird wiring in my brain that makes me refuse to believe it when an opponent's actions indicate that I'm beat. Instead, I am basically saying to that opponent, "here, please take my money because I think I'm a better player than you and have a better hand, even in the face of evidence otherwise."

Am I the only moron who's ever played that way? It is the absolute stupidest, most insane way to play ring poker. But. That's the way I've been playing it.

I'm really tired of it.

I'm also quite embarassed to admit it. And even though my cash game has improved since 2009, it's my tournament play that saves and increases my bankroll and shouldn't it be the other way around?

I blog to be disciplined about my poker. When I write about it, I have to be truthful because as I write about it, I see the things I need to be doing instead to play better, to play my A game. But being honest also kind of sucks because it forces me to see that I'm not one of those players I always hear about and read about (you know, the ones who deposited $50 and turned it into millions). It's taken me 2+ years and I still feel like I know nothing about this game. It can be pretty discouraging at times. Ok, a lot of the time.

So, here are a few things I'm doing to improve my cash game:

1. Quitting when I lose one buyin. Maybe given the variance in poker this too low (my buyin is $20), but until I can better control my tilt, I've got to just quit while I'm ahe...*ahem* $20 in the hole. It's better than being $40 or $60, etc etc.

2. Before putting my entire stack into the middle, I have to be able to affirmatively answer yes to the following question: "Am I 100% positive I have the nuts here?"

Until I can get much better at those two things, I've got to slow down my cash game play.

And that's pretty much it.

What helped you with your cash game? Any advice you can share?

We're off to New Mexico tomorrow for Spring Break. I hope you guys get some time off, too. In the meantime, good luck at the tables!

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Movin' On Up

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It's been about a month since I last posted and it's fair to say that the planning and discipline I've been attempting to follow have made a significant change in my game.  Since my last post, I'm up +$118.15, with a current bankroll of $667.98.

Since July 9, 2010, I played 132 tourneys (all $5 BIs or below) and began coupling tourney tables with some micro stakes 6-max cash games ($.02/.05, I generally sit down with 80bbs).

I ended up playing (enduring is more like it) 356 $.25/90 mans and maintained a 109.2% ROI at that level.  I didn't get any significant cashes in the larger field MTTs, but a few min cashes along with the cash games got me past the $650 point, which allowed me to begin playing the $2.20 90/mans. And that was the original goal.

My next goal is to get my bankroll to $1200.00.  Once I hit that, I'll give the $4.40 90/mans SnGs a go.

The $2.20 MTT SnGs are a different animal.  Mainly - people know how to play and it's not just a shove fest or a get lucky-a-thon.  Because the players do know how to play, I feel like I'm learning and I think it's helping my game.  I focus on putting opponents on hands, taking notes of showdowns, playing similar hands in different ways, taking advantage of position, and all the things we're supposed to be doing to win.  After 10 of these tourneys, I've only cashed twice (a 3rd and a 12th) and have an ROI of 34.5%.  I'll take it!  I figure I'll be grinding this stake for awhile as I really try hard to improve.

I'll say that the time I'm spending reading and studying away from the tables has been important.  Some of my reading of late has been: The Poker Blue Print (Davis/Nguyen), Easy Game Vols I/II (Seidman/Colletta/Cesaro), Let There Be Range (South/Nguyen), and Winning Poker Tourneys One Hand at a Time (Lynch/Rizen).  Now, I posted to places where you can purchase these books, but if you're studying in a group and have good friends (or even search the web really hard, hint, hint), you can find the materials for a fraction of the cost - or free! (hat tip to @joeyyyoung, the man!)

Besides the forums, I'll also give a shout out to DeepStacks University.  Once you get past the basics, many of these modules have terrific concepts.  Watching the coaches "teach" while you "sit at the table" in a hand and run through a variety of scenarios, positions, and facts is not only eye-opening, it essentially embeds the concepts into you.  I found myself several times mid-tourney playing a hand that I'd just watched Alex Outhred or Nick or Michael Binger explain and explore.  Because I'd done the homework away from the tables, I was able to incorporate what I'd learned into my game - and it absolutely made a difference. It's not just listening to the teacher, either.  You're asked questions and after each response you give, the coach gives his (or her - Liv Boeree is also an instructor) comments about what your response might do, might mean, might create.  It's pretty cool and I'm happy to recommend it (no, I'm not getting paid to do so).

Now, if you've read this far (thank you!), I'll finish up with the cash component of my play.  If you've followed me at all on Twitter, you likely know I haven't had much of a cash game to speak of, either live or online.  I'm embarrassed to admit it but the first time I played online cash, I started right at the $1/$2 tables.  You can imagine how that turned out.  My live game experiences haven't been much different.

Because it's been so disastrous, I went right down to the micro of the micros.  It was only later I learned that those low stakes online are commensurate with the $1/$2 levels you find in the casinos.  People grind these stakes all day long and make a really good living at it, apparently. Ok, maybe not at the 2cent/5cent level, but I guess if you're really good and put in enough volume you could.

Two things I did to impact my cash game: read the SirCuddles 2+2 thread (thank you, @stevosez!) and read Dusty "LeatherAss" Schmidt's book, Treat Your Poker Like a Business.

Hands down, I'm seeing improvement after reading both, especially the SirCuddles thread. While Dusty's book is not fully a strategy guide - I'd say it's a must read if you're trying to make it as an online cash game pro.  Mainly, I'm just playing tight, no nonsense ABC poker.  Sure, maybe the stakes are uL, but I still have to have a plan for every hand I'm playing.  And I still have to think through each street and actively work at putting my opponents on hands.  In other words, I hope that means I'm trying to think like, and become, a poker player.  After 7793 hands at .02/.05, I'm averaging $0.26/hr.  Wheee!

Last but not least, I want to give a shout out to @txcardslinger and my buddies Bree and Ann.  We're meeting once a week to study and do the work necessary to improve our game.  I think it's helping us be realistic about our abilities and accountable to improving.

What about you - what are the things you're doing to improve your game?  Share 'em with me because I need all the help I can get!


Until next time - good luck at the tables!